Husband needs to share more

Dear Susan: I don't believe I'm doing this, but I'm so frustrated I could punch walls. My wife never wants sex (well, rarely, like once a month). She says we need to share, talk, feel connected and then she'll be "in the mood." I feel like I have to jump through hoops to get any.

We have been married 14 years, have three kids, and each work full time. So what exactly do we need to keep "sharing" about? When we do have sex, it's fine.

Any ideas?

-- Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: How frustrated are you? Frustrated enough to listen and change? Or just frustrated enough to keep complaining? She may not need much here, buddy, just some one-on-one time before you start to grope.

Here's a plan:

1. Spend 10 minutes a day talking with your wife (NOT about the kids or schedule). Ask her personal questions, such as, "What are three things you would like different in your life right now?" "What makes you happy?" "If I could do one thing differently in our home life that would make your life easier, what would that be?"

Listen to the answers. If you ask her about her day, listen and be supportive (which is different than telling her how to fix things).

2. Do something every day to make her life easier. The best foreplay is to ask a frazzled spouse, "What can I do that would be most helpful to you right now?" and then do it cheerfully.

3. See if "fine" for you also means "fine" for her. If sex is unsatisfying or boring, then there is little incentive. Ask her what she would like different sexually and what factors affect her libido and desire. (Ask this when the conversation won't be interrupted.) Really listen without getting defensive.

The key is to do all of the above for at least two weeks without making a move.

I bet she'll come on to you or at least be more open when you come on to her. The goal here is to change the pattern, long-term, not a quick fix. Her sense of trust and having a partner will grow, and she'll want to be more intimate with you. If you have the conversations described above, other issues should surface so you can talk them through.

Son, teacher didn't get along

Dear Susan: Our son starts fourth grade in a few weeks, and I just heard via the grapevine that he may have the same teacher he did last year. It wasn't a good match, and the year was awful compared to his second-grade teacher.

He liked school in second, but by February this past year, he was practically throwing up every morning. I want to go to the school right now and request that he get whatever other teacher is teaching fourth grade. My husband thinks we should say nothing and that Nate has to learn to "get along" with all kinds of teachers. He says this is just a part of growing up and life. What do you think? Am I being overprotective?

-- Worried Mom

Dear Worried Mom: School is difficult enough, what with adjustments, bullies, teasing and trying to learn and sit still all at the same time. Nate has learned about "life" by having this teacher for an entire year. Enough is enough.

If you can (and that might be a big "if" -- depending on policy and the principal), give him a chance at a better match. Part of a parent's job is to advocate for his or her child's best interests.

Make a few waves if that's what it takes. Do so politely, respectfully, without slamming the teacher. Just say that it wasn't a good match and how important it is that Nate not get turned off to school. If Nate develops the same issues with other teachers, however, then it will be time to talk to a school counselor to determine other contributing factors.

Actually, it might not be a bad idea to give the school counselor a heads-up and see if he has any input, as well as talk to the second-grade teacher and ask for her ideas on what worked best with Nate.

The school may say, "Let's start the year and see what happens," but I disagree. Change in the middle of the year is far more traumatic than starting out with a different teacher. I have had kids who hated a class and teacher but preferred to stick it out, rather than deal with questions from friends about the change. hk

Susan Kraus , Lawrence, has been a marriage and family therapist for 22 years and a custody and divorce mediator for almost a decade. If you have a question for Susan, contact her at hers@cjonline.com.